It’s been a busy few weeks with sorting out a new venue and spending family time with the kids in the school holidays so I apologise for not being able to write a blog for those few that read them. This is a deep one and one I’ve thought long and hard about writing as it is very close to my heart.
After speaking to someone about their controlling dad it got me thinking about my own.
With me he was never controlling he was one who would just appear in and out of my life say he was coming so I’d then spend the day watching out the window for him to then just not turn up. But I always wanted to know he loved me and wanted his approval.
I use to go to Spain to see him at the ages of 7/8 and fly out on my own which I loved, I got spoilt from stewardess and got to speak to the pilots in the cockpit. Nowadays I could never imagine doing that with my kids. I would spend a couple of weeks at his place, he worked a lot as he had a bar that we lived behind but I’d make friends with local kids and kids on family holidays. Again, something I couldn’t imagine letting my children do now as I was up the road at the park by myself or eating food in the restaurant next door or playing on my super Nintendo some sort of Mario game in our apartment.
My dad’s wife at the time was lovely, I looked up to her and loved her but I never knew the pain she was really in until one day I was lying on the floor colouring and drawing when my dad came back and told me to tidy my mess, He was angry you could tell he was in a horrid mood. (I know from having my kids now that, that wasn’t a mess compared to the whirlwind of toys I sometimes have going on before bed time). I said no because I hadn’t finished and suddenly all I felt was the stinging of my bum from where his hand and hit me and I burst into tears. His wife came in and I’ve always felt like this was my fault as she stuck up for me he slapped her across the face and pushed her into their bedroom and all I heard was the sound of her crying and the noise of his hand on her face.
I didn’t see my dad after that for 7 years, I went from an 8-year-old girl to 15-year-old young women about to start my gcse’s so I’d changed a lot. I wasn’t the little timid girl anymore. But It was me that wanted to see him again. I still loved him and wanted to see him so he knew that I was smart, I worked hard and I’d done well for myself. He had since remarried she as a nice lady that I could tell wouldn’t take his crap, but as for his ex-wife he wasn’t allowed to see the 2 boys he had with her and after searching for her myself so I could get to know my 2 brothers she told me I had no chance and to stay away from her and her family. This breaks my heart as I would love to see them and get to know them. It’s harder because it’s his fault and I feel like I’m being punished and paying for his mistakes.
So from the age of 15\16 we seen each other he came and seen me in my school play which meant a lot to me. But there’s always a but. When I got offered my apprenticeship I rang so happy to tell him and the reply was “what are you ringing me for money” and “you’ll never get anywhere being a hairdresser.”
Now this is the guy that would show up flash cash , show me off and then break my heart by saying things that put me down each time we got back in touch. Never in my life has he told me he’s proud or apologised for not being around.
I got InTouch with him to ask him who my grandparents were when I was 21 as I had never met them. His response was “my dad is poorly they don’t need your hassle”.
After finding out who they were myself and writing a letter to them i had a phone call from my nan to say she’d love to meet me but sadly my grandad had past away. I don’t like holding grudges but I’ve missed out on a grandparent for no reason other than he didn’t want me knowing who they were and I have no idea why.
I went to London and met my nan, my older brother and my auntie and 11 years on we still have a good relationship currently typing this on my way home from seeing my nan.
But still after everything I still wanted to hear the words well done or I’m glad you’re happy or I’m so I wasn’t there.
I’ll never get it and writing this is my way of realising it and changing my mindset to I do not need your approval. I’m a good hairdresser and had a good career with good opportunities and if it wasn’t for that then I probably would of never started This Is Me.
I look at the kids I teach and when I think about them singing in front of
15k at the Coventry light switch on or
32k at the wasps match
And singing in front of 200 at a local event and their not even my kids and I could cry every time seeing them achieve something and seeing how much they grow and how amazing they are.
Then I look at my own and think of all the things they have done that just fill you with amazement and the magical moments you have as a family that makes being a parent so worth it. How they grow up I could never imagine missing a week let alone years.
So here it is you’re not a dad, A dad is there for their children to offer help, advice and support, tells their children that they are proud even at the smallest of things they achieve and most of all that un-conditioning love you have as a parent and all you want to do is see your children grow up every day. I have all the family I need with the family and the close friends I have in my life and they are what matters.
I hope this helps anyone that has gone through the same with someone they love and have longed to get the love and respect back that you don’t need it. You know you’re a good person, like I know I’m doing great things and still have a lot more to come.
You don’t need anyone in your life who doesn’t make it better. So, surround yourself with positive people that will be there for you when you need them the most.